The Calvinator

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< > April 2006

• Sat, Apr 15, 2006 7:00 AM

  Hazards of Parenting
  
  I had my first brush with death the other night while clipping Calvin's toenails (no, wait, it gets better).
  
  Before I go into details, though, I feel it prudent to mention that I'd previously had something in my eye for several days that was threatening to send me in the direction of the nice men in their nice white coats. I could not see it, nor could I remove it. I could only feel it taunting me every few seconds or so and laughing in the face of my feeble attempts to direct myself AWAY from the nice men in their nice white coats.
  
  Finally, it seemed like whatever was in my eye was gone; no longer threatening my sanity. And then I sat down the other evening to clip Calvin's toenails (I think if I type the word "toenails" one more time, I may go into spasms).
  
  I wasn't even two piggies in when the discarded section of his nail took a flying leap RIGHT INTO MY EYEBALL. I screamed for Joep and a mirror because 1) I hate feet and anything feet related, including my adorable son's adorable piggies and 2) the thought of having a dead toenail lodged in or around any ocular orifice of mine was enough to send me SPRINTING for those nice men in their nice white coats.
  
  Joep came running, thinking I'd surely clipped off one of Calvin's toes, what with how loud I was yelling. Fortunately, Calvin was fine (though a little worried about his panic-striken mother, I'm sure) and after several infinite seconds, I had successfully located and removed the nail from my lower eye lid.
  
  Pardon me, that last sentence threw me into fits; I had to go lie down for a moment.
  
  So now that original irritant is back in my eye - I still don't know what it is and I don't know where it came from. I don't know if it will ever go away.
  
  Though there is a small part of my brain that wonders if perhaps it's all in my head; some sort of post-traumatic stress thing that has to do with my inane fear of all things feet-related. Either way, I guess this means Joep will have to clip Calvin's toenails until further notice. Because I'm still gagging over having to type the word "toenail" again and I think there's something in my eye.

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