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Thu, Sep 23, 2004 8:00 AM
Passports

Today at 1:00 pm, Joep, Calvin & I are heading to the post office to turn in our applications for passports (yeah, that's right - they're giving ME a passport!).

The good news is that we should get them in time to go to the Netherlands in a couple months.

The bad news is that 1:00 is Calvin's usual nap time. Which means we'll be bringing plenty of holy water and rosaries to the post office, because people, have I mentioned that Calvin has inherited my moody genes? And when you mix Mama Moody Genes with Interruption Of Nap Time And Messing With Calvin's General Schedule, well... all I'm saying is that the gates of hell will open and you'd better be holding onto something.

Don't cry for us, Argentina. We may be directly in the Mouth of the Beast, but we're going in prepared. We've asked a local priest to follow along and chant ancient excorcism rituals to keep the damage to a minimum.

Oh, and we have a priest for me, too. Because let's face it: It's a post office. I have no patience for other people. I'm sleep-deprived. It's not weekend YET. AND I'm the original carrier of the Mama Moody Genes.

Poor Joep.

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Mon, Sep 20, 2004 1:51 PM
Bi-polar child.

Joep & I realized this past week that the worst of our fears had come true: Calvin had inherited my Moody Genes. And I don't mean 'moody' in a cute little, "Oh, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed" way. No, no. I mean 'moody' in a, "My legion of baby demons will descend upon you lest you get my sippy cup of milk right this -- Mama, my sweet, may I please have a sippy cup of milk?" way.

Dear god in heaven, Calvin has INHERITED MY MOODY GENES! How am I supposed to continue living normally with the knowledge that Calvin can explode at any given moment? Can YOU live with that kind of fear? I know Joep can, but can I?

I guess this is what you people could call my "just desserts", what putting my own family & friends through hell for the past 24 years and all. Sigh. I was hoping I would be spared. I guess I shouldn't complain, though. It could be worse. Calvin could be female.

Twitch. Twitch, twitch. Shudder.

You're probably wondering what triggered Calvin's Moody Mama Genes to kick in. Truth is, I don't know. Full moon? Drool-soaked bedsheets? THE LACK OF THE BEDTIME MONKEY, PERHAPS? Beats me.

Whatever the reason, Calvin woke up from his nap on Saturday afternoon PISSED AT THE WORLD. And nothing could make it better. Not mama, not dad, not crackers, not milk, not kitties and most definitely not Pidey (spiderman). In fact, EVERYTHING made it worse. Everything we tried unleashed Calvin's inner baby demons.

"Calvin, you want Mama to hold you?"

"Snarl, growl, snort, roar!"

"Calvin, you want Dad to hold you?

"Snarl, growl, snort, roar!"

"Calvin, you want to watch Pidey?"

"Snarl, growl, snort, roar!"

"Calvin, you want some milk or goldfishies?"

"Snarl, growl, snort, roar!"

"Calvin, you want to see what it's like to fly through the living room window?"

"SNARL, GROWL, SNORT, ROAR!"

So we ignored him. We let him snarl, growl, snort and roar as long as he felt necessary. Which wasn't too long apparently. What happened next happened in a matter of seconds.

Joep thinks that Calvin got bored and tired of unleashing the demons, so he stopped to catch a breather.

I like to think his Demon Switch flipped to the "off" position. This being caused by some yet-to-be-discovered Mama Moody Genes phenomena.

Either way, our snarling, growling, golden-haired boy went from Evil to Sweet in 0.2 seconds, flat. By the time Joep & I felt safe enough to emerge from the crawl space, Calvin was playing happily with his toys. It was over! Joy! Calvin was back to normal! Praise Jeebus!

Unfortunately, the demons reappeared no less than 3 times over the weekend, to which we doused Calvin in holy water and rosaries in attempt to keep them at bay. So far, it's working.

Except I forgot to pack holy water and rosaries when I dropped Calvin off at daycare this morning. Oh god, what have I done?

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Wed, Sep 8, 2004 9:19 AM
Overseas

As most of you all know, Joep is originally from the Netherlands and moved aaalllll the way over here for me (yeah, I don't know what he was thinking, either).

He flew into the States for the last time on April 21st, 2001 and hasn't been back to the Netherlands since.

So.

We're going back. To the Netherlands. 6,000 miles away. In a plane. With an almost-2-year-old. For 10 hours. In the middle of winter.

Don't even bother contacting your local asylum to have me committed. I've already tried that and they won't take me. Apparently it's completely sane to travel to far away lands with a toddler. Apparently people do this all the time, every day, with toddlers. Some people even do it BY THEMSELVES. We have TWO PEOPLE! And we're scared. Very scared.

Come December, it'll be Joep & Kathleen vs. Calvin on the Very Large Plane with Many Passengers who probably don't Care Much For Kids. And THEN. And THEN we'll be doing it all over again when we come back!

But at least Calvin's Paternal Grandparents will finally get to see him again. And Calvin's Aunt Maaike and Uncle Bart will get to see him for the first time ever. And I will finally get to see what the world is like outside of the United States. I'm going to get to see castles and gardens and cathedrals like I've never seen before.

So our maniacal attempt at Toddler Travel will be worth it. Right? Right?

Why are you looking at me like that?

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Fri, Sep 3, 2004 7:00 AM
Potty Training

We're not actively attempting the battle of wills that is potty training, but we have lately been sitting Calvin on the toilet so he'll get used to the idea.

So far, it's just involved actual sitting. No pooping or peeing. Until last night.

Wait, let me rephrase that: Until last night AFTER he got off the toilet.
And walked over to the couch.
And peed on it.
Like a dog.
Before we could get to him with a diaper.
Then laughed about it because it was apparently a very liberating feeling.
Peeing on the couch.

While desecrating the living room sofa, Calvin stared at his nether regions in amazement. What in the world was he doing? What was this curious new talent he had acquired? Why was he JUST NOW discovering this glorious trick? What else could he decorate? The gears in his mind were smoking before he even finished his Exercise in Creativity.

Joep & I have never tried it ourselves; peeing on the couch. And I don't think we will. Even though Calvin tried to tell us just how absolutely hilarious peeing on the couch was, I still think we'll just take his word for it.

And just a side note: Why didn't anyone tell me that my role as "Mom the Punisher" becomes compeletely nugatory when Calvin busts out That Damn Grin? It's not fair, really.

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