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Thu, Jul 10, 2008 6:00 PM
You Just Can't Argue With That

"Ok, what's 3+4?"

"Uhh... SEVEN!"

"Good! What's 5+3?"

"Umm.... EIGHT!"

"There you go! And 4+1?"

"Hmm... FIVE!"

"Yep! How about 5+6?"

"MOM, I don't KNOW, I only have 10 fingers!"

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Tue, Jul 8, 2008 10:00 PM
The Boy, He Is Delicious

Calvin pretty much hit pay dirt over the weekend. He enjoyed 2 days of spoilage provided by Gramma Linda, got to go bowling for the first time on Sunday, and then the coup de grace? His swim lessons were cancelled due to the holiday weekend. Let's recap:

1) Gramma Linda,
2) Unabashed bowling,
3) Head staying above water all weekend.

I believe in little boy terms, this is what we call WICKED COOL.

He returned from Gramma's house thoroughly covered in mosquito bites, despite being marinated in OFF! bug spray. What can I say? I guess the mosquitos love to snack on Calvin's cheekies just as much as we do. So I've been on Itch Patrol the past couple days, putting forth my best effort to keep Calvin from systematically scratching off all his skin.

On Sunday we took him bowling for the first time. For one, he's been bugging us regularly to go bowling, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHEN ARE WE GOING BOWLING?, because we pass the bowling alley every Sunday on our way home from swim lessons, and two, Mama needed to shoot an assignment for her class that involved bowling.

So off we went to our local bowling alley, and despite slipping Calvin sasquatch-strength tranquilizers, he still had to be pried off the doors of the bowling alley in his excitement. And we hadn’t even gotten to the part where we put on shoes that have been on no fewer than 5300 pairs of feet in the past year yet.

Side note: did you know that bowling shoes in size 11 little boys’ feet are actually cuter than puppies and kittens? They totally are.

We picked out the lightest bowling ball they had and set up shop at lane 26, complete with bumpers to keep every frame from being a gutter frame, because gutter frame = one pissed off little boy = 2 tired parents = end of the world.

I tried showing Calvin how to use his fingers to hold and throw the bowling ball, but his mind was already long gone, thinking about the fact that he was actually being allowed to throw large balls with the intent of knocking things down and not getting sent to his room for it.

So Joep & I sat back and waited to see how he’d do. Surprisingly, he did fairly well, considering it was his first time. He only managed to launch the ball down the wrong lane once (I’m totally serious) and we didn’t even get kicked out or anything.

When we left 3 games later, he was in such a good mood, he didn’t even mind that he was now on his way to his weekly torture session. And then, AND THEN!, we got to the pool only to learn that there were no swim lessons due to the holiday weekend. I think Calvin’s head exploded right there from all the awesomeness.

And thus ended the greatest weekend of Calvin’s life. Until he turns 16 and gets his license and the urge to do all sorts of illegal things. Can’t wait!

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Tue, Jun 17, 2008 10:00 PM
Swimming Lessons

In an on-going attempt to make Calvin as miserable as possible, we've signed him up for swim lessons.

We've tried to explain that it's really for his own safety and that putting his head under water will definitely not end the world, I swear on all the Hulk toys in the world, but he's not really having any of it.

Turns out Calvin is severely allergic to water and his head will totally burst into flames if it comes into contact with it. At least that's what he wants us to believe.

Being the horrible people that we are, Joep & I have pretty much ignored it and have continued to bring him to the pool every Sunday at 5:30; at which point he sneaks out and calls CPS on us for our transgressions.

BUT. Somehow, some way, he has managed to survive these swim lessons and even though he will never, ever admit it, I think he might be starting to enjoy it just a little teeny bit.

Either way, this child will learn how to swim come hell or high water, because if he is anything like his mother, he will definitely fall into a body of water at some point, and definitely at the most inopportune time. And if I'm going to pass on my clumsiness genes to Calvin, the least I can do is give him a fighting chance. Even if I have to force it.

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Fri, Feb 8, 2008 9:00 PM
Boys Against Girl

Ok, so we all know Joep is a turd. And I have reason to believe he's grooming Calvin to be his Junior Executive Assistant Turd.

This morning, Joep was being a punk because I told him he had to wear a tie when we go out tomorrow night with some friends of ours. And my GOD, you'd think I'd just asked him to donate both lungs or something because he reacted about the same.

Because he's incapable of being an adult sometimes (and so am I, but that's another story entirely), he decided to tell Calvin to torture me during the entire commute after dropping him off at his office (about a half hour).

And by torture, I mean he told Calvin to ask about every. single. sign. he spotted. He also told him to point out every single stoplight. And since we see approximately 657 signs and pass through approximately 984 stoplights, and Calvin doesn't know what it means to be simply a spectator, this was just cruel.

After we dropped Joep off, Calvin and I had the following conversation:

Calvin: Papa told me something.

Me: Oh yeah?

Calvin: Yeah. He told me I should show you all the stoplights and he'd give me fruit snacks.

Me: Papa sure is a stinker, huh? What are we going to do with him?

Calvin: *slight pause*

Calvin: I like fruit snacks.

Did you catch that? My 5-year-old just threatened me.

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Thu, Jan 24, 2008 7:00 PM
All done! Check out the Netherlands 2007 photo album for the rest of the photos.

Also, I FINALLY put up the Halloween & Christmas photos as well. All 2 or 3 of them. Yippee.

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Tue, Jan 22, 2008 10:22 PM
Seriously Delayed Photos

I've just added several more photos from the Netherlands and I'm still not even halfway through them all, I think. *cry*

I'll have more soon, though, I swear.

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Wed, Jan 9, 2008 11:00 PM
The First Of Many

Driving to work the other morning required us to go past a local cemetery on our detour to take Joep to the dentist for a check-up. Calvin, being the ever-observant observer that he is, promptly asked what all those things where (things being gravestones).

After thinking for a moment on how to adequately answer Calvin's question a) without lying, and b) with enough details to satisfy his curiosity, I decided to tell him that those were memory stones to remember people who were gone.

I failed. Here is what followed:

"People who are gone?"

"Yep."

"Where's yours?"

"I don't have one because I'm not gone yet."

"Oh. Why not?"

"Because it's not time for me to be gone yet."

"Oh. Can you be gone?"

"Uh... no. Calvin, those markers are for people who are gone forever and aren't coming back."

"Oh."

And that was the end of that. Surprisingly enough. Go figure that the most loaded of answers prompted nothing more than a mere, "oh" from He Who Questions Everything. A child who responds with, "why?" to every. single. answer. he is given; no matter how iron-clad my responses are.

A mystery wrapped in an enigma, that one is.

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Wed, Dec 5, 2007 10:00 PM
Mouse Poop

So... we're back. We got back Saturday night after sitting on the Minneapolis runway for 2 hours in a very small plane before finally taking off. We went across the ocean for just under 2 weeks and came back to snow & ice. Thanks, America.

Once again, we were complimented by several people on Calvin's behavior on the plane. I don't know whether to be more proud of my son for his good traveling skills, or ashamed of my own behavior in contrast to his. I can't even use the excuse that I always seem to be seated behind the jackass who absolutely MUST be in the recline position during the entire international flight. I'm just a cranky-ass traveler.

But the reclining jackass definitely didn't help. Nor did the 2 queens who sat behind me on the return flight; they who were unable to use indoor voices or just SHUT THE HELL UP for 5 minutes. But I digress.

Reclining jackasses & loud queens aside, both flights were pleasantly uneventful. Even though Calvin had this uncanny ability to fall asleep ONLY during the final 8 minutes of the flight, he did just fine with his games, cartoons and drawing notepads the entire time. He was so excited to see Opa & Oma & Bart & Maaike by the time we landed, we nearly had to sedate him.

He bowled them over with hugs & smooches and immediately forgot he had parents (and bedtimes and rules, for that matter), but it was vacation, and there are no parents, bedtimes or rules on vacation, so it was ok.

By the time we got to our little vacation house we were using our thumbs to keep our eyelids open and paper towels to control the drool. Joep's family was nice enough to let us crash for a bit before heading to their house, so we all took the opportunity to reclaim at least some of the 7 hours we lost somewhere over the Atlantic ocean.

The rest of the time was spent just being with everyone; meeting up with a few family & friends from last time and plenty of LEGO time between all boys involved (Opa included). There was much watching of the Curious George DVD (much to Maaike's dismay), lots of monkeying around (literally, with Uncle Fritz)), many peppernuts & yogurt consumed, and way, way more spoiling than is possible to document. Basically, Calvin's own little utopia realized. Especially the spoiling part.

When it was all said and done and it was time to come back, it felt like we'd just gotten there and it was sad to leave already. Looking forward (hopefully) to a possible visit next year made it a little easier to say goodbye this time around.

Until we got home, that is.

While we were gone, despite my glaring "NO SOLICITORS" signs and just general un-hospitality-ness, a wee mouse decided to take up residence in our kitchen. And by "wee", I mean, large enough to have his own hairy area code. And by "take up residence", I mean, threaten what's left of my sanity.

This was discovered sometime Sunday morning while I was blissfully unaware, picking up some shampoo & whatnot at Target. It is now Wednesday and it wasn't until around 2:00 AM last night/early morning that this outlander was forcefully evicted from our home and sent packing miles away from our house; all while blindfolded so he couldn't find his way back.

But not before destroying (and pooping on) some innards of our stove/oven and making lunch out of an extension cord. Stoopid rodent.

So that's what we came home to. Mouse poop and paranoia. Oh, and 3 cats who aren't really cats in the whole "catching mice" sense.

Which reminds me, anyone interested in 3 non-cat cats?

Comments:
Bart: It was great seeing all of you!! Tiring, but still too short. Indeed, the thought of a visit next year made it easier to say goodbye!

Seen any black peters since you're back in the US? ;)

Mary F: Kathleeen, I tried to delete and start over my comments and this is what I got. SOrry to screw up your journal...With your know how, you can probably fix it. MORE>>>>>PICTURES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE THE WILLOWS NATIVITY.....L,MF SORRY!!!!!

MaryF: Kathleen, I have read other things from your journal, dating back to when you were writing mainly about cats.The articles are hilarious and you are sooo talented. . If you don't write a book soon, complete with pictures, you are crazy. I know you will come up with a great title. MF

MaryF: Kathleen, I have read other things from your journal, dating back to when you were writing mainly about cats.The articles are hilalrious and you are sooo talented. . If you don't write a book soon, complete with pictures, you are crazy. I know you will come up with a great title. MF

MaryF: Kathleen, I have read other things from your journal, dating back to when you were writing mainly about cats.The articles are hilalrious and you are sooo talented. . If you don't write a book soon, complete with pictures, youare crazy. I know you will come up with a great title. MF

MaryF: Kathleen, I have read other things from your journal, dating back to when you were writing mainly about cats.The articles are hilalrious and you are sooo talented. . If you don't write a book soon, complete with a great title. MF

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Fri, Nov 16, 2007 10:00 PM
Delusions of Grandeur, Part Deux

So I got a wild hair up my ass last weekend to trim Calvin's hair. But not with the usual razor, mind you. No no no, I thought I'd use scissors to trim the top a little and then continue, as usual, with the razor for the sides and back.

So I set him down against his will last Sunday evening, got my cup of water, a fine-toothed comb, and a brand-spankin'-new pair of scissors, and got to work; trimming a little here, trimming a little there.

And I thought to myself, "Oh! How cute! I can't believe I did such a good job! This is easy-peasy; I can totally do this from now on!"

And then Calvin's hair dried.

And it was revealed to me that I have (to quote one of my favorite people), "the [cutting] skills of an epileptic monkey". (Proper props to Steve below.)

My son had PATCHES missing from his hair. PATCHES. Of hair. Gone.

Hanging my head in shame, I asked Joep to clean up my mess that night while I was at school and not only did he have to buzz Calvin's hair all over, but he had to do it on the lowest setting in order to make it even. Our son is as close to being bald as he can be while still having hair.

And because Calvin has such fine, white hair, he basically looks bald unless you're standing right behind him with a magnifying glass.

So there you go. I've learned my lesson. My scissor rights have been revoked and I am on probation until further notice. Or until Calvin's hair grows back and I forget all about this incident and try again.

P.S. No, there are no pictures yet. We're packing for the Netherlands and I don't even have time to wipe my nose, let alone take, resize & post pictures of my bald baby. I promise that there is pictorial record of this, however, and I will share it when we get back.

P.P.S. Credit to Steve for the quote up above: http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000398.php You just go ahead and read that and try to keep a straight face.

Comments:
Bart: Poor Calvin! Make sure to bring a hat or something, cause it's cold out here!!

Great story though, can't wait to see you guys!

Have a good flight!

Bart

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Thu, Oct 4, 2007 8:00 PM
Free Spirit

Last night Joep & I were out working in the yard when Calvin suddenly sprinted for the house to go to the bathroom. He has this annoying habit of waiting until the very last moment before his bladder and colon explode before addressing that situation. It drives me INSANE.

A few minutes later, I heard Calvin calling us and I looked up to see a half-naked 4-year-old standing on the front porch with his pants around his ankles.

"MAMA? PAPA? CAN YOU WIPE MY BUTT?!"

Joep took off for the house before anyone else in the neighborhood happened to hear this particular request and look out their windows to see our proud moment.

He then told Calvin that it might not be the best of ideas to walk outside naked for various reasons. The big one being ticketed for indecent exposure. That shouldn't come until college. And even then, we don't want to hear about it, so he'd better have a good friend to front him bail money.

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