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Tue, Sep 1, 2009 9:30 PM
It's Been A Busy Day

For starters, Calvin lost his 2nd tooth tonight, in an epic battle of wills wherein Calvin had to choose between the excitment of losing another tooth and squeezing some more money out of the tooth fairy, or letting Dad stick a tissue in his mouth and yank out his entire jaw in order to do so.

Calvin can be a touch dramatic, if you didn't already figure that out.

At any rate, it's finally out and Calvin didn't pass out from the extreme blood loss either, so it's a win-win for everyone!

And the best part? He totally forgot about the question he clobbered me over the head with earlier tonight. Please allow me to recap:

I'm minding my own business, talking to Joep about this and that. When I finally stop to take a breath, Calvin chooses that moment to go completely off-topic by randomly asking, "Mama, can I please have a brother or sister now? I'd really like a baby brother or sister. How do you make those, anyway?"

And then Joep crashed the car.

I'm not sure what happened after that, but I do remember thinking how kind it was of Calvin to not be picky about the gender of his requested sibling. And for immediately forgetting his question once he realized his tooth was almost out. He's considerate (and easily distracted) like that.

Comments:
Bart: Hahaha! We need more of these stories :P

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Tue, Mar 10, 2009 8:00 PM
Don't Get Mad At Me, I'm Just the Messenger

"Calvin, you're growing up so darn fast!"

"Yup!"

"Pretty soon you'll be all grown up and then what am I going to do with you?"

"Yup!"

"So... what do you think you'll be when you grow up?"

"A police officer!"

"How cool; you're going to be the person who keeps us all safe."

"Yup! And I'm going to eat donuts every day!"

(At that point I didn't even try not to laugh. I'm afraid my head would have exploded.)

"Well, after you're done with your donuts, are you going to keep Papa and me safe when you're a police officer?"

"MAMA. When I'm a police officer, I'll be all grown up. And when I'm all grown up, you and Papa will be dead."

Uh...

Um...

Hm.

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Tue, Feb 17, 2009 11:00 PM
From Lawnmowers to Nintendo DS

Several years ago, Calvin became addicted to a plastic lawnmower my mom bought for him. So addicted, in fact, that it became the subject of my nightmares for several weeks until he moved onto the next obsession.

Well, now he's 6 going on 18, and his current addiction is MarioKart for the Nintendo DS. You take your average cracked-out cokehead who is in the middle of cutting off his foot in order to pay for his next fix and you still haven't quite grasped the severity of Calvin's addiction.

It's gotten so bad that we've limited him to playing it only on the weekends. And even then, with time limits enforced.

This afternoon after we picked him up from school, he seemed sullen and just not himself. I kept asking himself what was wrong, but he didn't feel like sharing. I kept at it, though, and he finally admitted that the reason he was sad was because 2 of his friends had Nintendo DS games at school and wouldn't share with him. Totally ruined the dude's week.

After we'd gotten home, I went into the other room to change out of my work clothes when I heard the familiar sound of Calvin revving up the ol' Nintendo DS. I walked into the living room and reminded him that this game is a weekend deal. This resulted in actual tears. Acutal. tears.

Not the fake-y tears 6-year-olds are wont to produce, but actual tears brought on by actual distress that I actually wasn't allowing him to play a game his friends wouldn't share with him today.

It almost would have been a little sad if it hadn't been so pathetic. It did, however, demonstrate that Calvin has inherited a trait from both Joep & I. From Joep, a love of video games. From me, a flair for the dramatic.

So my point in all this fluff is that I'm wondering if anyone is in the market for a used Nintendo DS. It comes with the MarioKart game and dried tears. I fear that cold turkey is the only way to pull Calvin out of this. It's going to be a rough couple weeks.

Comments:
Bart: I've been wanting that DS for a long time...lol!! But I'm afraid my friends will write the same thing in a couple of months... ;)

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Sat, Oct 11, 2008 9:43 AM
5 Years, 9 Months, 26 Days...

...is how long it took for Calvin to get his first stitches. And our son, he didn't just go half-way, oh no, he decided to go full hilt and get them RIGHT ON HIS EYE. We're so proud of his dedication to his injuries.

Joep & I were about 10 minutes away from Calvin's school yesterday when my cell phone rang. It was one of the directors of his Kids' Club after school program calling to tell me our son had "gotten hurt on the playground and was bleeding pretty bad". Ladies & gentlemen, it was at this point that Joep proved he was capable of going more than 1 mph over the speed limit. I'd like to think it was because his concern overrode his aversion to speeding, but I think it had more to do with the fact that he was probably worried that if he didn't speed up a bit, I'd kick his ass out the driver's side window and break land speed records myself.

Aw, don't worry. He knows I love him and would totally come back to get him later.

We got to the school to find a 5-year-old little boy wearing a shirt decorated with his own blood. Up until that point, we were told he'd been one brave little dude. And then he saw Mama and that switch inside every human being that triggers the tears upon seeing one's mama went off and the poor kid's face crumpled up to cry and broke my heart.

We were told he went running under the monkey bars right as another kid was swinging from them and got kicked in the head. Which sent him right into the playground equipment, face first. I think the words you're looking for here are, "EFFING OUCH".

After calming Calvin down and reassuring him several times that SERIOUSLY, stop worrying about your shirt, it's OK, no really, it's fine if it's stained, you have others, we were off to the nearest urgent care facility to see about furthering Calvin's pain.

After meeting up with the world's 2 nicest nurses and the world's oldest doctor, Calvin walked out with 5 stitches and his first battle wound. We're thinking of getting him one of those awful shirts that says, "You should see the other guy!" But then we figured he's been through enough pain.

You can see the carnage under the June to December 2008 photo album. There are 4 photos guaranteed to induce the dry heaves. Have fun!

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Mon, Aug 18, 2008 8:00 PM
First Day of Kindergarten:
One For the Record Books (A Timeline of Today's Events)

6:30 AM: I wake Calvin up to get him ready for his first day of "big kid" school.

6:40 AM: I finally grease the walls to keep Calvin from climbing them.

6:41 AM: He finally settles down enough to brush his teeth and start getting dressed.

6:55 AM: Calvin and I head outside to take pictures of his first day of "big kid" school.

7:05 AM: We pull out of the driveway and are on our way.

7:30 AM: We drop Joep off at work and I slip a horse tranquilizer into Calvin's water to take the edge off.

7:31 AM: I take one as well.

7:55 AM: We arrive at his school and the car explodes from all the pent up excitement.

7:57 AM: I wait in the school's office to pay for Calvin's lunches this month.

8:10 AM: I sign Calvin in for his Kids' Club.

8:11 AM: I give Calvin a hug good-bye and turn him loose on the school system.

8:30 AM: I arrive at work and immediately begin to wonder how he's doing.

4:00 PM: Busting with excitement, I head out to pick up the little dude.

4:10 PM: I arrive at the school and am pleased to see it still in one piece.

4:12 PM: I arrive at the Kids' Club location and look for a white-haired tornado to greet me.

4:13 PM: I ask the Kids' Club director where to sign out my son and am a little surprised to hear that she hasn't seen him since morning.

4:14 PM: We head downstairs to Calvin's classroom to see if he's with his teacher still.

4:14 PM: I wonder to myself what he did to get "detention" on his first day of Kindergarten.

4:15 PM: I meet Calvin's teacher and learn my 5-year-old son got on the school bus a little under an hour ago.

4:15 PM: My head messily explodes.

4:16 PM: Somewhere, a janitor cries.

This is what follows:

Me: "WHAT?! He's not supposed to ride the bus. We never signed him up the for the bus. He is registered for Kids' Club. Why is he on the bus and NOT IN KIDS' CLUB?"

Teacher: "I thought he was to ride the bus?"

Me: "WE. NEVER. SIGNED. HIM. UP. FOR. THE. BUS. He is only registered for Kids' Club. I saw his name on there this morning. WHY IS HE ON THE BUS AND WHERE IS IT GOING?"

Teacher: "Let's go get the principal."

4:17 PM: Calvin's teacher flags down the principal and explains the situation.

4:18 PM: I suddenly realize my eyes are dangerously close to falling out of my head. I make a conscious effort to keep them where they belong.

4:19 PM: The principal calls various bus drivers to find out where my son is. This is what follows:

Principal: "I think he got off at 9th & Madison."

Me: "I don't even know where that is. We live on a street nearly 30 blocks west of that."

Teacher: *rattles off our address for the THIRD TIME*

Principal: "Ok, his stop is at (intersection right by our house)."

Me: "AND? Where is he?"

Principal: "He got off the bus."

4:22 PM: My head creates another messy geyser.

4:22 PM: Somewhere, a janitor swears.

Me: "How long ago was he dropped off?"

Principal: "Less than a minute ago."

4:23 PM: I literally run for the front doors of the school, vaguely aware that the principal's reaction to the situation consisted solely of, "sorry...".

4:23 1/2 PM: I reach the car and take off.

4:23 3/4 PM: I break the current land-speed record.

4:24 PM: I vow to spread nasty rumors about the stoplight's mother unless it changes to green RIGHT NOW.

4:25 PM: I wonder to myself if I'll be picked up for speeding and if so, would I go to jail for refusing to pull over long enough to tell the police why I'm doing 60 in a 25?

4:26 PM: I wonder what it's like to be someone's bitch in prison.

4:28 PM: I turn onto our street and nearly cry when I fail to see a white-haired tornado on the corner or our front porch.

4:29 PM: I screech into the driveway and throw open the door while screaming Calvin's name; wondering if he's nearby.

4:29 1/2 PM: I pound on our neighbor's door and nearly fall over when she opens the door to tell me that Calvin is safe and with them and everything's OK.

4:30 PM: I fall over myself thanking them for being there and for taking care of him and then spend the next 5 minutes squeezing my little beanpole and assuring him he is not in trouble.

4:35 PM: I call Joep from the road and tell him that Calvin is in the car, is OK, was at our neighbor's house, and that we are on our way to pick him up.

4:40 PM: I call my mom to tell her what happened.

4:42 PM: I have 911 on hold in case my mom's head has the same idea mine had.

4:44 PM: I hang up and all is well. I realize my hands won't stop shaking.

7:30 PM: My hands finally stop shaking.

I guess you could say Calvin's first day of Kindergarten was memorable in more ways than one. I don't know what I'm going to do about his school. A lot of balls were dropped this afternoon and I need to make sure this won't happen again. In the meantime, my little dude is safe and sound at home and is ready for his second day of Kindergarten.

I'll let you know when we get there.

Comments:
Maaike: OMG! I'm nearly having a nervous breakdown! You must have been terrified! How about the little monkey? Wasn't it like, weird for him too? HUGS

Virginia: Hi Bart!

Bart: OMG!! No words...!

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Thu, Jul 10, 2008 6:00 PM
You Just Can't Argue With That

"Ok, what's 3+4?"

"Uhh... SEVEN!"

"Good! What's 5+3?"

"Umm.... EIGHT!"

"There you go! And 4+1?"

"Hmm... FIVE!"

"Yep! How about 5+6?"

"MOM, I don't KNOW, I only have 10 fingers!"

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Tue, Jul 8, 2008 10:00 PM
The Boy, He Is Delicious

Calvin pretty much hit pay dirt over the weekend. He enjoyed 2 days of spoilage provided by Gramma Linda, got to go bowling for the first time on Sunday, and then the coup de grace? His swim lessons were cancelled due to the holiday weekend. Let's recap:

1) Gramma Linda,
2) Unabashed bowling,
3) Head staying above water all weekend.

I believe in little boy terms, this is what we call WICKED COOL.

He returned from Gramma's house thoroughly covered in mosquito bites, despite being marinated in OFF! bug spray. What can I say? I guess the mosquitos love to snack on Calvin's cheekies just as much as we do. So I've been on Itch Patrol the past couple days, putting forth my best effort to keep Calvin from systematically scratching off all his skin.

On Sunday we took him bowling for the first time. For one, he's been bugging us regularly to go bowling, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHEN ARE WE GOING BOWLING?, because we pass the bowling alley every Sunday on our way home from swim lessons, and two, Mama needed to shoot an assignment for her class that involved bowling.

So off we went to our local bowling alley, and despite slipping Calvin sasquatch-strength tranquilizers, he still had to be pried off the doors of the bowling alley in his excitement. And we hadn’t even gotten to the part where we put on shoes that have been on no fewer than 5300 pairs of feet in the past year yet.

Side note: did you know that bowling shoes in size 11 little boys’ feet are actually cuter than puppies and kittens? They totally are.

We picked out the lightest bowling ball they had and set up shop at lane 26, complete with bumpers to keep every frame from being a gutter frame, because gutter frame = one pissed off little boy = 2 tired parents = end of the world.

I tried showing Calvin how to use his fingers to hold and throw the bowling ball, but his mind was already long gone, thinking about the fact that he was actually being allowed to throw large balls with the intent of knocking things down and not getting sent to his room for it.

So Joep & I sat back and waited to see how he’d do. Surprisingly, he did fairly well, considering it was his first time. He only managed to launch the ball down the wrong lane once (I’m totally serious) and we didn’t even get kicked out or anything.

When we left 3 games later, he was in such a good mood, he didn’t even mind that he was now on his way to his weekly torture session. And then, AND THEN!, we got to the pool only to learn that there were no swim lessons due to the holiday weekend. I think Calvin’s head exploded right there from all the awesomeness.

And thus ended the greatest weekend of Calvin’s life. Until he turns 16 and gets his license and the urge to do all sorts of illegal things. Can’t wait!

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Tue, Jun 17, 2008 10:00 PM
Swimming Lessons

In an on-going attempt to make Calvin as miserable as possible, we've signed him up for swim lessons.

We've tried to explain that it's really for his own safety and that putting his head under water will definitely not end the world, I swear on all the Hulk toys in the world, but he's not really having any of it.

Turns out Calvin is severely allergic to water and his head will totally burst into flames if it comes into contact with it. At least that's what he wants us to believe.

Being the horrible people that we are, Joep & I have pretty much ignored it and have continued to bring him to the pool every Sunday at 5:30; at which point he sneaks out and calls CPS on us for our transgressions.

BUT. Somehow, some way, he has managed to survive these swim lessons and even though he will never, ever admit it, I think he might be starting to enjoy it just a little teeny bit.

Either way, this child will learn how to swim come hell or high water, because if he is anything like his mother, he will definitely fall into a body of water at some point, and definitely at the most inopportune time. And if I'm going to pass on my clumsiness genes to Calvin, the least I can do is give him a fighting chance. Even if I have to force it.

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Fri, Feb 8, 2008 9:00 PM
Boys Against Girl

Ok, so we all know Joep is a turd. And I have reason to believe he's grooming Calvin to be his Junior Executive Assistant Turd.

This morning, Joep was being a punk because I told him he had to wear a tie when we go out tomorrow night with some friends of ours. And my GOD, you'd think I'd just asked him to donate both lungs or something because he reacted about the same.

Because he's incapable of being an adult sometimes (and so am I, but that's another story entirely), he decided to tell Calvin to torture me during the entire commute after dropping him off at his office (about a half hour).

And by torture, I mean he told Calvin to ask about every. single. sign. he spotted. He also told him to point out every single stoplight. And since we see approximately 657 signs and pass through approximately 984 stoplights, and Calvin doesn't know what it means to be simply a spectator, this was just cruel.

After we dropped Joep off, Calvin and I had the following conversation:

Calvin: Papa told me something.

Me: Oh yeah?

Calvin: Yeah. He told me I should show you all the stoplights and he'd give me fruit snacks.

Me: Papa sure is a stinker, huh? What are we going to do with him?

Calvin: *slight pause*

Calvin: I like fruit snacks.

Did you catch that? My 5-year-old just threatened me.

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Thu, Jan 24, 2008 7:00 PM
All done! Check out the Netherlands 2007 photo album for the rest of the photos.

Also, I FINALLY put up the Halloween & Christmas photos as well. All 2 or 3 of them. Yippee.

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